"Letters to the Editor"

There are only two letters for me this issue. Just so you won't hit anyone associated with this publication or our delivery boys, I want to remind you that these opinions are my own and do not reflect the views or opinions of this organization or the people who employ me. Although, in my opinion, it should.

Now, before I am told to hit the road, again, let's see what my fans have to say.

Deer Eddy-tor:

Think be good make paper. Like lot. Just want say Yu.T best riter evur. Think should give raise. Y.T. best riter got. Work hard. Think should let rite own arty-cul, though. He good riter! Why no let rite? No like hide in Mister Scrimm office, steal arty-cul. Think should let express myhimself. Eithur way, make sure give raise.

Yurs Biggust Fan

Obviously you are a person who knows what they want and won't stand for anything but the best. As the discerning gentleman that you are, it is nice to have someone of your stature notice the hard work I put in. Now if I could just get these slaves... ::cough:: Uhm... co-workers... yes, that's it... to put in the hours that I demand, then we would exceed even your lofty praise. See you at the next social gala.

To the Editors of this Paper:

I have noticed with some consternation that some creature known only as "Y.T." has been filching articles from my respectable news journal to smear across this cheap rag. Such a nefarious malpractice must be stopped immediately or else legal action will be taken. I highly recommend that, whoever the so-called editors of this scandalous paper might be, they discontinue the practice of stealing my stories immediately and surrender "Y.T." to the Town Guards. Should the editors fail to comply, drastic measures will simply have to be taken.

Sincerely, Mayor Pendegast Scrimm

Vote for Me

Sorry, but as an unbiased observer and distinguished member of the media, I cannot condone the solicitation of votes. Please feel free to write again in the future.

Well, that's all for this issue. Keep those letters coming. We'll answer them with the same evenhandedness that you have come to expect from us, your dedicated news source.

~ the Editor