"Celebration of Cleanbeard!"
by Bubbinster

Long, long ago, far back in the annals of dwarven history, there was a dwarf named Tooloose Cleanbeard. Tooloose was a fairly normal dwarf, who lived a fairly normal dwarven life. In those times, most dwarves worked in the mines or in the tunnels, delving out the place we now know as Stone Clan. Tooloose was one of the few dwarves who shunned such work, preferring to work in the tavern, serving guzzleables to thirsty kinfolks. But it wasn't just his love of taverns that caused him to avoid the mines. Tooloose also dreaded the inevitable dirt and grime that went along with mining, specially the filth that would accumulate in a miner's beard.

You might call it an obsession, or maybe just a peculiarity, but Tooloose Cleanbeard loved to keep his beard clean. So, working in the tavern's gave him ample opportunity to keep his beard fairly well groomed, and thus live up to his family name. Well, normal day-to-day upkeep of his beard was fine and dandy, and most dwarves would have been happy with that. Such was not the case with Tooloose. He was never satisfied with the cleanliness of his beard, always preening and combing his long facelocks, and constantly checking the view of his beard in the tavern mirrors.

Though his beard was always one of the cleanest of any of the dwarves, Tooloose decided that he should set aside one day a year to give his beard a tremendous cleaning, a day in spring when he could clean out any hidden grunge that may have escaped detection during the winter months. On this day, Tooloose would soak his fine beard in a vat of lye, and scrub and wash it all day long.

At first, other dwarves smirked and scoffed at Tooloose, for even though most dwarves saw nothing wrong with a nice clean beard, they believed Tooloose was taking it just a bit too far. Then, they noticed how the lady dwarves would steal glances at Tooloose on the day after his annual beard cleaning, and even the dwarven men would sometimes be caught taking a peek at Tooloose's squeaky clean beard. So, a few dwarves began joining Tooloose in the annual ritual, and though they hated the soaking and the scrubbing all day long, the dwarves enjoyed the looks they would get the following day. Soon it became a traditional chore that all dwarves participated in, ladies and gents, as the dwarves came to believe that the effort was worth the reward.

Eventually Annual Beard Cleaning Day, as it was known then, turned into a competition, as many dwarven endeavors often do. Each dwarf tried out new and inventive ways to clean their beards, each one looking to find that little edge that would make their beard stand out above the others. Folks switched from lye to other beard soaking substances, such as Peeger Greatrock and his applebutter soap, or Nodkin Blessedbe and her egg yolk solution, and the strangely popular wicked wurm wax of Spudnut Olmsford. Eventually, as you might have guessed, one dwarf of the Bladebender family came up with the idea of using a strong fermented beverage to soak his beard in.

Well, the results of this experiment were mixed. While beards soaked in fermented beverages didnt come out any cleaner than some of the other tried and true soaking solutions, there was the extremely huge benefit that whilst soaking your beard, you were bound to 'accidentally' slop a little of the soaking liquid into your mouth, with grand results! Soon, more and more dwarves began using ales and beers to soak their beards on Annual Beard Cleaning Day, and what was once a dreaded task soon became an event much looked forward to. Of course, once the beard cleaning was underway, and the dwarves had 'accidentally' slopped quite a bit of the beard soaking solution into their mouths, Annual Beard Cleaning Day became a bit too long of a name for the annual event, and they shortened it up a bit to simply 'Cleanbeard', partly in honor of Tooloose, and partly because thats pretty much what the day entailed.

Soon the neighbors of the dwarves heard about the anticipated holiday, as in the week beforehand it was the main topic of conversation around the dwarven clan, and one year the dwarves invited the Thain of Arthe Dale and the rest of the Olvi to come to 'Cleanbeard'. And, the Olvi, being curious, agreed.

Now, we all know the Olvi don't particularly fancy beards as their dwarven neighbors do, but their Thain at the time, a distant relative of Mykk named Bingo Roundhouse, was wise enough to prepare in advance. When the halflings arrived at Stone Clan for Cleanbeard, every beardless one of them had a fine yakhair beard strapped to his face! The dwarves, who might have taken this as some kind of insult, were already halfway into Cleanbeard, and cheered the Olvi for their ingenuity, and they laughed and joked as they watched the halflings 'accidentally' yank down their phony beards to slurp up some of the fermented beverages. Some of the Olvi even dunked their feet, pointing out their footlocks needed cleaning too, and the dwarves cheered them on.

From then on, many dwarven neighbors were invited, and the dwarves even began to keep a store of yakhair beards on hand, just in case a beardless visitor arrived and wanted to partake in Cleanbeard festivities. Soon, such sayings as 'Dunk me, I'm Dwarven!' and 'Me beard's clean, kiss me!' began to surface as the holiday became a part of dwarven culture. Now, though Tooloose Cleanbeard has long since walked the Starry Road, the holiday he invented that still bears his name still carries on.

When this spring rolls around, gather up your yakhairs and head to Stone Clan for a fine time where everyone can be 'Dwarf for a Day' and join in the celebration of Cleanbeard! Hope to see you there!