"Granny"
by Bubbinster Bladebender

In Stone Clan, there lives a ancient Dwarven woman, perhaps the oldest living dwarf. She is simply known as Granny Beeahtrisse, and she is famous for her stories of Dwarven lore. Here is a glimpse of a visit with the elderly Dwarf:

Settled in her rocker, Granny Beeahtrisse gazes around at all the fresh young Dwarven faces and sighs. "Yer an eager bunch, ye are, happy and grinnin from ear ta ear." The ancient woman stares thoughtfully at the assembled Dwarven wee ones and puffs on her pipe, blowing out a lazy smoke ring that hovers about her head for a moment before dissipating. "Well, enjoy yerselves whilst ye kin, young ones, fer soon, too soon, you will be venturing out into the realms, outside the safety and security of our clan."

Granny pauses and adjusts her shawl, wrapping it more tightly about her. "Out there, there are many evils waiting fer ya, waiting fer young Dwarven lads and lasses, waiting to hand ye yer doom." The young Dwarves don looks of puzzlement, for they have only heard tales of the riches and fame to be found out in the Realms, and this strange talk from their beloved Granny Beeahtrisse is unsettling.

"Aye, you may all think ye are destined to become famous like dat young whippersnapper Hegemonic, or rich like dat little punkin Jordan, or mighty with magic like de mage Cloudcrest, or even some of ye scamps may fancy yerself the next Bubbinster, foolish as dat would be...." Granny Beeahtrisee draws her wrinkled face into a grin and winks slowly at the young Dwarves. "But they dinna get where dey is by a walk in the brewery, dat is fer sure, wee ones."

Granny pauses and peers intently through her monocle at the Dwarf children, the smile disappearing from her face. "No, there are many evils lurking out there, children, evils that will shred ye limb from limb and feel no remorse, nay, enjoy it even." The Dwarven wee ones gasp and shudder, some cowering and hiding behind others as Granny speaks of their impending doom. "Mighty Ogres, Adan'f, vile Gargoyles, S'lai, Elpazi ... all are out there now, plottin' 'n' planning 'n' schemin' on yer deaths even as I speak ta ye here today, mebbe even a few of em hidin' in de shadows now!" The Dwarven matriarch looks around with a nervous expression upon her ancient visage, and the young Dwarves shriek and scream and leap back from the nearest shadows to the 'safety' of the fire.

"Aye, ye may vow today never to leave the safety of the clan, wee ones, but eventually, ye will. They all do." Granny Beeahtrisse sighs and nods knowingly as she speaks. "Sooner or later, ye will fight de good fight, youngins. Aye, ye will." The elderly lady smiles upon the children. "And ye would not be true Dwarves if ye shirked this duty."
"Now, ye will get to explorin' and such, and gettin' yerselves into all sorts of fixes." Granny pauses as she produces a jug from behind her chair and cradles it in her lap, rubbing it fondly. "Yea, ye will, me dearies, and ye may even pay fer yer curiousity with yer lives." The ancient Dwarf woman pauses to struggle with the cork in the jug, eventually working it free with a loud -pop- that causes the children to titter and giggle.

"Well, sometimes yer lives may be saved by one of yer holy kinfolks, mebbe Lagerby, mebbe Crory, or even young Nalak perhaps." Granny Beeahtrisse pauses and lifts the jug to her lips, pouring a slosh of a dark, rich, fragrant liquid expertly into her open mouth with the precision of one who has performed the task a million times or more, spilling not a drop. "But other times, ye will be all alone, me dears, and ye will be forced to depart these realms."

The Dwarven matriarch pauses and peers intently out at the gathered children, and nods her head as if agreeing with some unseen companion. "Then you will embark on a most wonderous journey, childrens, a journey to visit our lord Kertigen!" Granny Beeahtrisse smiles a comforting grin and seems to be lost in thought for a bit, recollecting her own journeys of days long past.

"Oh, Kertigen will be happy to see ye, for he is quite lonely in his mountain home, so far removed from the world we know." With that, Granny Beeahtrisse lowers her jug and stares at it wistfully for a bit before plugging the cork back in it.

"Kertigen is a mighty Dwarf, mightier than all, and he sports a great beard, as long and as wide as the Brodger, four times deep!" The Dwarf children all gasp and murmur incredulously at the thought of such a grand beard, and several stroke their own little beards in contemplation.

"Aye, and his beard, his tremendous beard, if viewed closely, ye will see it is a multitude of different colors and textures, almost like a patchwork quilt made of beard hairs!" Again, the Dwarf children gasp in amazement and look at each other with wide-eyed expressions. Then all attention turns back to Granny Beeahtrisse as she continues speaking.

"Well, our lord Kertigen will be delighted to see you, and he will spend some time a-laughin' and a-playin' with ye, and mebbe even share a bit of his ale with ye." With that, the matriarch glances at her jug, and smiles warmly. "But our lord Kertigen knows ye cannot stay with him forever, and all too soon he will prepare to send you back to the realms, but ... not before he performs one last act."

At this, Granny B leans close to the children, and in a soft voice she speaks. "No, at this time, our lord Kertigen will reach for his mighty shears, and before ye even realize it, he will shore off yer beards with a quick snip-snip!" Granny almost shouts the last words, causing the youngsters to emit squeaky yells of dismay, and almost all of them reach protectively for their own beards as if guarding them from unseen barbers. Seeing their reaction, the ancient Dwarven woman leans back in her chair and grins with mirth as she watches the children. Then after they quiet down a bit, she smiles softly and continues.

"Aye, wee ones, it's true, but our lord Kertigen is not a cruel lord, fer ya see .. Kertigen then takes your shorn beard and weaves it into his own great beard, weaving it in with all the other Dwarves's beards who have visited him. And then he will take you in his massive arms, rub your shaven face and tell you why he has taken your beard, then gently send you back to the Realms to continue being Dwarves of Stone Clan."

Granny Beeahtrisse pauses and seems to have fallen asleep, as her eyes close and her head nods down low. The young Dwarves all sit puzzled, wondering why Kertigen would take their beards, wondering if Granny will continue the tale, and a few bold young ones blurt out, "Why, Granny, why?"

Suddenly Granny Beeahtrisse looks up, and as if she never stopped, speaks once more. "Ye see, wee ones, Kertigen keeps our beards so he has a little piece of each of us to remember us by. When he is lonely all by himself up in his mountain home, he need only rub a spot on his beard, and remember that particular Dwarf fondly, and look forward to that Dwarf's next visit. This, me childrens, keeps a smile upon our lord's face that never fades, and this..." The ancient lady speaks one final time. "This is why you have no beard when you return from departing!"

With that, Granny Beeahtrisse's head once again nods down low, and soon the Dwarf children hear faint snores coming from their storyteller. One by one they quietly steal away, till Granny Beeahtrisse is left alone with only her snores and her jug, and her dreams of Kertigen.